Effulgence and whatnot
by Archnemeses
Summary: Season five Angel. Post Shells. Wesley stumbles onto a history of Spike and Angelus’s loves and losses thru out the years via a worn leather journal… Completed Chapter 6.
1. My Sire's Waltz

Disclaimer: I don't own Angel it belongs to Joss and probably someone else in a corner office.

Summary: Season five Angel. Post Shells. Wesley stumbles onto a history of Spike and Angelus's loves and losses thru out the years via a worn leather journal…

Chapter 1: My Sire's Waltz

"AHHHHHH! Spike. Out. Of. My. Office. Now!" "Fine! I'll go see what the Smurf is up to." Spike dusted off his leather coat and picked himself off the floor. He unexpectedly lost his balance when Angel threw the office phone at his head. Angel finally looked up to see Wesley walking towards him. "You and Spike really need to learn to at least have a civil conversation. One which doesn't end in you throwing office supplies." Angel just responded with an irritated grunt. Wesley was going to step forward when he almost tripped. He looked down to see a worn brown leather book. He picked it up wondering why Angel left this in the middle of the floor. "Angel, did you leave this here?" Angel barely glanced up from his desk. "No, that's not mine. It must be one of your books." Wesley didn't recognize it but also assumed the same. Wesley then looked to his watch. "Angel I'll speak with you later I have a meeting in five minute with the mystics."

It was well past eleven by the time Wesley reached his desk again. He placed some paper one his desk when that book caught his eye. He went and flipped threw the pages and realized that it wasn't a book, but a journal. He saw that all the hand writing was the same, a scrawling Victorian script. Then he noticed the ink. The first half of the book was in ink from a well and plume. The later half of the journal was in regular ball point pen. He opened the first page and saw the first date:

_London 1812_

_I feel as thought I am seeing everything for the fist time with fresh eyes. The night is buzzing and calling to me. Drusilla says she can talk to the stars that they whisper in her ears. She seems a bit dafted, but she is my princess and savior. Sure she chose me and sired me, but Angelus is my sire. He made sure I understood that. He was in charge of everything. I do believe Darla is very unhappy Angelus took another childe, for this means he spends even less time with her._

_The Whiskey on your breath_

_Could make a small boy dizzy;_

_But I hang on like death:_

_Such waltzing was not easy._

_We romped until the pans_

_Slid from the kitchen shelf;_

_Your mother's countenance_

_Could not unfrown itself._

_The hand that held my wrist _

_Was battered on one knuckle;_

_At every step you missed_

_My right arm scraped a buckle._

_You beat time on my head_

_With a palm caked hard by dirt,_

_Then waltzed me off to bed_

_Still clinging to your shirt._

_Angelus says Darla needs some time alone. And we are to take a vacation. The girls are staying behind. So only me and 'gelus are going. I wonder how cold it gets in Russia?_

_TBC_

Thank you for reading. Please review! Begging now I can't find the name of the author of the poem, so I will post it later. I read it and thought that's so William! Oh 1812 was just a guess, so please don't flame for that. I know you want me to continue, Please review.


	2. Long life lived

**Disclaimer**: See Chapter 1

**Paring**: implied Spangel, recalled Spuffy and Spike/Dru

**A/N:** OMG this was written on a whim and this one chapter got more reviews then my other two stories combined. (Hint, hint you should check them out too.) Thanks to Night Essence, kel77, ShinodaBear, Spike dragon, Angeloholic, Moonjava, Jenn/LuvinJMSpike, babe, yashin, and shadowcat15 for reviewing. Your reviews made my mailbox very happy. Thanks to Jenn/LuvinJMSpike and SpikingJennsAngel for putting me on their favorites list. And I'm too lazy to change ch.1 so leaving the time line at 1812. The rest of the entries and dates are also made up and probably not accurate. With out further ado this is a short chapter, so enjoy.

**Chapter 2: Long life lived**

He read. It probably was the watcher in him, the constant search for the truth, to understand the past. He continued reading until the very late hours of the night. He learned of Italy and Immortals, he heard accounts of Russia and the hunting of slayers. He saw the change from William to Spike. The most shocking accounts were not the graphic or gruesome ones, but the tender ones.

_Paris 1859_

_He's gone. He always leaves when they fight, but it's been two months. Two horribly long months! Dru longs for her Daddy and Darla is unrelenting in her punishment. She says it's my fault. I suppose it is. There fight happened because of me, as usual. She can't stand him showing anyone more attention then her. Then he let "my beloved William" slip in her presence. She said that she was his. In the end I guess we are all his, his doll, his beloved, and his sire._

Wesley learned of Angelus' atrocities and the evil committed by all four of them. He read about fights and the making up. He just skimmed through those passages. But he continued on, and read of generations gone past. He read of a person he never knew existed.

He read until…

**A/N**: Thanks for reading. Please review! Sorry for the cliffhanger but had to do it. I blame this story on my Angel season 5 DVDs, and Joss' commentary. The poem My Papa's Waltz was written by Theodore Roethke.


	3. Soul Searching

**Disclaimer: **I don't own BtVS or Angel. Joss does, his characters just live in my head. The poem was written by Langston Hughes. (But don't tell Spike please, he thinks he wrote it) Ok is that enough disclaimers, don't report me please. If I'm in violation just tell me.

**Paring: **implied Spangel, recalled Spuffy, and Spike/Dru.

**A/N:** Thanks so much those who reviewed. a, Spike Dragon, ShinodaBear, Night Essence, Jenn/LuvinJMSpike and tinkerbell for reviewing the last chapter. I hope you liked the suspense, sorry it took so long.

**Chapter 3: Soul Searching **

He read until…

the writing stopped. This was the last entry before a few blank pages.

_China 1915_

_He left, for good this time. He said he had to. He said I was evil, unclean, unwanted. He left me, again._

Wesley couldn't believe it. By now he was so involved in the story he couldn't believe Angelus just leaving Spike. Then it clinked, he crossed referenced the dates. Angelus didn't leave him. Angel did…

He was getting up to stretch when he suddenly sat down. When he paged thru the end of the journal, remembering there were later entries. The other entry was in blue ballpoint pen.

_L.A. 2004_

_I don't know why I carried this stupid thing around all these bloody years. Surprising though how it rematerialized, after me being a spook an all. I guess I kind of know why I'm writing in it now. His name starts with A and ends with forehead. Well at least I can feel my fingers now. Not like he cares I'm here, just like Sunnydale. Ya, just sulking in a basement for 3 weeks. Right. Like I don't struggle. Not that he would notice…_

_I've known rivers:_

_I've know rivers as the world and older than the_

_flow of human blood in human veins. _

_My soul has grown deep like the rivers._

_I bathed in the Euphrates when dawns were young._

_I built my hut near the Congo and it lulled me to sleep._

_I looked upon the Nile and the raised pyramids above it. _

_I heard the singing of the Mississippi when Abe Lincoln went down to New Orleans, and_

_I've seen its muddy bosom turn all golden in its sunset._

_I've known rivers:_

_Ancient dusky rivers._

_My soul has grown deep like the rivers._

Wesley just finished the last stanza when… Angel walked in. "Wes I need you in my office. Now."

**A/N: Thanks for reading now please review now! Any ideas are welcome! I had very happy in Last Day, so maybe angst…**


	4. Six Foot Town

**Disclaimer: **I don't own BtVS or Angel. Joss does, his characters just live in my head. Six Foot Town belongs to Big&Rich. Ok is that enough disclaimers, don't report me please. If I'm in violation just tell me.

**Paring: **implied Spangel, recalled Spuffy, and Spike/Dru.

**A/N:** Thanks so much those who reviewed. ShinodaBear, Pinkzelda, and the dead mango for reviewing the last chapter. And to clear up any confusion the timeline I know is wrong, just go with it. I'm also sorry about the distorted paragraphs; it keeps doing that to my stories. If you have any tips so my lines don't squished please share. I hope you liked the suspense, sorry it took so long.

**Chapter 4: Six Foot Town**

Wesley quickly walked into Angel's office to see an angry pacing Angel. "Yes Angel." "So do you want to tell me why Spike took my Porsche and left you this?" Angel handed Wesley a sealed envelope addressed to him. "I swear any car and he took that one, just to make me angry. AHHH! When I find him there'll be a dusty ending." "Angel, Angel." "What Wes?" "We need to go. Now!" They both walked out of Angel's office to the elevator doors. This is what the note said.

_Well pet, knew you would read it. So now you know, all of it. I don't think anyone besides me would believe it. Sometimes I think even Angel forgets some parts. I know I do, it's the only way I sleep at night. I'm not saying this is his entire fault, most though. I guess there are other contributing factors namely Darla, Drusilla and Buffy. Well I guess since someone else knows I can be free. Angelus always said my writing was meaningless. I guess is some ways he was right. I write about love, destiny, happiness, places I've never been and sunrises. I look back and say what am I leaving? Death, mayhem, and bloody awful poetry. _

_I'm so tired of being love's bitch, every decision I've every made was for the love of another. I became a vampire for Dru, a murderer for Angelus, a lapdog for Buffy, and a protector for Dawn. Walking into that hell mouth was the only independent decision I have ever made. Huh… pretty sad for someone who's going to be one hundred and ninety one. At the moment I burned I finally felt free, hell or not I was ready for anything besides this. Well I guess this is enough of my yammering. Being the hero and martyr that he is Angel will probably turn this about him, but it's not. I guess I just want to go my way, have it have some meaning. It'll be poetic._

_My brakes are on fire  
From trying to slow down  
I'm always burning my tires  
And my horn is to loud  
I catch people staring looking funny at me  
When I step to the window and I toss a TV  
Sometimes I get crazy and it makes a big scene  
_

_But when I hit Highway 121 I wanna stand up and scream  
I'm filthy rich with laughter, I'm too big for the room  
You know from two stories up  
A Zenith makes a big boom_

_It's hard to get around in a six foot town  
When your ten feet tall everything is so small  
I'm always bumping my head  
I'm way to long for the bed  
It's hard to get around  
In a six foot town._

_Some people live inside a tiny little box  
they're preoccupied about mismatching their socks  
I never been one to worry about much  
I just wanna laugh and love  
I just wanna live it up_

_It's hard to get around in a six foot town  
When your ten feet tall everything is so small  
I'm always bumping my head  
I'm way to long for the bed  
It's hard to get around  
In a six foot town._

_Sometimes I stumble just because of my size  
But hey y'all that's alright  
That's the way Angelus made me  
I am what I am  
And I can't do nothing bout that  
_

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
_

Wesley drove allowing Angel to read the journal and note. By the time they reached the city limits Wesley could see that Angel couldn't hold back his emotions. The car was silent. Angel finally looked up at Wesley, clearly distraught. "He gave this to you?" "Yes. It's true isn't it?" "Yah, most. I didn't know he felt this for so long. I know he hasn't been the Spike I knew for a long time. We… haven't been the same for a long time." The rode in silence for a few more miles, Angel staring out the window. Then finally broke the silence.

"To me Angelus was always a part of me I never wanted to be. Spike is a constant reminder of what I am. What I did. I never allowed myself to even be happy because, it might make everything I did ok somehow. I will always consider Angel's first love Buffy because she was perfect, if only in my mind. She never saw me the real me. Everyone distinguishes Angelus and Me as two people but where not. He lives inside me all the time. When I left I hated myself, not Darla, Drusilla, Will. " "Angel have you ever told Spike this? He thinks you just left because you hated him." "No. Do you know where he is going?" "I have an idea."

It was almost 3 am by the time they reached what used to be Sunnydale.

**TBC**

**A/n:** Thanks for reading! Please review! I had more but decided to break it into two chapters; you'll just have to wait!


	5. Imperfection

**Disclaimer: **I don't own BtVS or Angel. Joss does, his characters just live in my head. Ok is that enough disclaimers, don't report me please. If I'm in violation just tell me.

**Paring: **implied Spangel, recalled Spuffy, and Spike/Dru.

**A/N:** Wow ya'll really make my review box happy. Thanks so much those who reviewed. Spike dragon, fate, Angeloholic, Marie P, SpikingJennsAngel, ShinodaBear, Lindsay e., and kemioko. And to answer a couple of questions, I don't write the poetry (Spike does, duh!) but I also always site the artist or writer of the work. kemioko I'm sad you hate country music. Six Foot Town is a country song, one of my favorites. But I think being from Texas makes me a bit bias. Hopefully I can sway more people to the country music side. Well on with the show! Here is the next chapter, it could be the last…or not!

**Chapter 5: Imperfection**

All that remained of the once pulsating Hellmouth was a large dusty canyon. Wesley and Angel saw the red Porsche parked by its edge. Spike was no where to be found. Angel could tell his smell was on the air but, he knew Spike wasn't there.

Wesley cautiously looked over the edge of the crater. "He didn't jump Wesley." Angel replied as he touched the hood of the car. It was already cold. "Do you know if he's dust?" Angel walked around to the driver's side of the car. "No I don't think he is but he's not here." Angel opened the door getting in the driver's seat. Wesley followed sitting in the passenger's seat. The car smelled of cigarettes and alcohol, smelled of Spike.

The car seemed untouched except for a yellow sticky note over the play button of the CD player. That read _Bye_.

Angel pulled it off and read the stereo light that showed a CD in the drive. Angel looked to Wesley; he didn't have the strength to press the button. The music quickly filled the car.

_Hey dad look at me  
Think back and talk to me  
Did I grow up according to plan?  
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?  
But it hurts when you disapprove all along  
_

_  
And now I try hard to make it  
I just want to make you proud  
I'm never gonna be good enough for you  
I can't pretend that  
I'm alright  
And you can't change me _

_'Cuz we lost it all  
Nothing lasts forever  
I'm sorry  
I can't be perfect  
Now it's just too late and  
We can't go back  
I'm sorry  
I can't be perfect _

_I try not to think  
About the pain I feel inside  
Did you know you used to be my hero?  
All the days you spent with me  
Now seem so far away  
And it feels like you don't care anymore _

_And now I try hard to make it  
I just want to make you proud  
I'm never gonna be good enough for you  
I can't stand another fight  
And nothing's alright _

_'Cuz we lost it all  
Nothing lasts forever  
I'm sorry  
I can't be perfect  
Now it's just too late and  
We can't go back  
I'm sorry  
I can't be perfect _

_Nothing's gonna change the things that you said  
Nothing's gonna make this right again  
Please don't turn your back  
I can't believe it's hard  
Just to talk to you  
But you don't understand _

_'Cuz we lost it all  
Nothing lasts forever  
I'm sorry  
I can't be perfect  
Now it's just too late and  
We can't go back  
I'm sorry  
I can't be perfect _

**A/N: Thanks for sticking it out! Perfect belongs to Simple Plan. Short chapter, so what's your vote. The end or not? **


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